Nearing the end of HITMAN 3…

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… (and the reboot trilogy as a whole) and I've come to one conclusion – other than my glee at Ecce Homo's home at Club Hölle: the only way to do a proper adaption HITMAN is to do it as a series.

Following the example of the current trilogy, each season could be an overarching plot broken into singular, done-in-one episodes with each episode being a single hit, a license to go as all-out, mascot-suit wearing, crazy-ass weird as humanly possible. Could even incorporate different paths to the goal and their success/fail likelihood via a Downey Jr / SHERLOCK HOLMES model.

No clue who should play 47. Pay me to write it and maybe I’ll have more thoughts.

(ill)considering social

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(Written in full recognition of - and because of? - my increased presence on the socials.)

Current thinking/observation: it's not social media that's the problem for me, but how I allow it to exploit my worst, most embarassing traits of needing approval and valuing myself based on the (lack of) others' approbations.

While I want to be gone from it, social, to vanish fully feels like a luxury I can ill-afford, given my location in the middle of nowhere and the total lack of opportunity contained in said nowhere. This line of thinking does, however, strike me as being indiciative of having fallen for the cruel horseshit of indispensibility that makes social, or my attachment to it, problematic in the first place.

Solution(?): treat it as a semi-useful tool (do I check the hammer to see if the nail is still in the wall?) and continue efforts to move towards a default state of assuming that no one gives a shit and be pleasantly surprised if they do. Regardless, the "spinning tires in the mud / treading water / deckchairs on the Titanic" feeling WRT the socials – and my "career" in general – is omnipresent - and exhausting.

Either way, while I have to learn to live with it, to care about it isn't worth the energy, mental or otherwise. "Eh, fuck it" seems the optimal mental status.

meditative implement changeup

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Update/202204121627: Making an effort to reincorporate meditation back into my day. Trying one round when I first wake up, and then a second NOT in the evening as I used to do, but it the middle of the afternoon, as it tends to be the time that the dangerous drift starts. No clue if I’ll stick with it, but it’s something to try, as I do recognize the anchoring value contained therein. Journaling/running/yoga routine stays the same.

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Ended my 20-year meditation practice near the end of last year after finally admitting that I needed something else – another tool, sertraline – and that it, meditation, wasn't doing the job anymore.

(That being said, I'll echo something Rick Rubin said to Marc Maron, that while he, at the time, had stopped meditating after doing so since he was 14, it remained a tool that he always had should it be needed; right now, it's a tool I don't need, or, rather, would like to try to accomplish the same job without it (though I do use the occasional pause and three deep breaths to re-center myself when I feel myself going off-kilter or in danger of slipping into an invasive thoughtloop.)

Other than meds, the current replacements are running and yoga, less sedentary pursuits which I've been doing for more than a decade anyhow – only I now approach the former as a kinhin / walking meditation practice – and, most importantly, journaling more frequently (at least twice daily, morning and evening) on a regular schedule: though I've scribbled daily illegibilities in a journal every morning for even longer than I've done either running or yoga, I've now embraced it as an at-least twice-daily anchor, a free-form replacement for a sitting meditation practice.

For the time being, it's proving to be a far more beneficial path to "letting go" and anchoring myself in the present. Should that change, I’ll roll with it.