a random collection of passing thoughts recorded here if only for the purposes of my own amusement and/or processing

in

  • A sudden fear that if I ever get to return to a city I'll be the epitome of yokel: it's been more than a decade – I've never even called an Uber for fuck's sake; I'd be the idiot waving my hand at every yellow car that crosses my path.

  • My only sadness in all of this post-mother-death stuff remains that, over the last 25 years, she made it impossible for me to miss her now.

  • The most exhausting part remains, similarly, that, whereas I only had to lie / act to her about my feelings during her life, I now have to lie / act to everyone who – and I know they all mean well – texts and calls and sends cards about the same in death. I'm somewhat terrified now that some of them will find this space (and have a feeling that some have) but I won't censor myself here – this is where I can be myself, the truest version, for better or for worse.

  • (This quandary is, notably, not found in the funeral home's handy ten stages of grief packet)

  • But I'll give the lie/act six months. 26 October, it's done. Anyone approaches me afterwards, they get the unvarnished truth.

  • It has been nice, I'll admit, to see pictures – slashing my stepfather out of the ones he graced with his sneering, bile-infused presence – of the life my long-departed animal companions of youth led after I had run away to Boston. I wish I could have been there with them, but it was made impossible for me; I would have ended up a suicide statistic.

  • At this rate, I could have taken the bar and seen to all of these court-appointed administrative tasks myself.

  • But at the same time, I recognize – begrudgingly – that not everyone moves at my pace. That doesn't mean I don't hate having to wait on other people. I MEAN REALLY FUCKING HATE WAITING ON OTHER PEOPLE just want the boxes to be checked, i's crossed, t's dotted, all that. Show me where to sign please.

  • BOSCH: LEGACY is much better than any spinoff/continuation has any right to be. Relief to be free of the LAPD politics that subsumed the last few seasons of the original.

  • I'm still finding glitter on my person from having to move all of this seasonal decor; it's like Tinkerbell puked everywhere.

  • If you're looking for a solid, mindless, and gloriously insane action flick, check out LOST BULLET on Netflix: loved it.

  • I am bored with my current selection of music and need new music send more, send something different please.