brief update re: my fucking back

(previously…)

X-ray results in and there is no evidence of arthritis - rheumatoid or otherwise, fracture, or anything else untoward. Moving forward with doc’s diagnosis that it’s at least one bulging and possibly herniated disc that’s been causing my constantly annoying and annoyingly constant discomfort and / or screaming pain and resultant inability to run uphill at anything more than a limp. Solution: continue doing exercises they gave me (incorporating into my yoga practice as there’s a lot of overlap), heating it, and investment in lumbar-happy office chair and further office ergonomics.

seven stray thoughts swirling as uncertainty swirls more than usual

in

One, when I get overwhelmed by the needs of others to the detriment of myself, all of my relationships become another job. Meaning: everyone becomes a task on a list, no matter whether or not they are a task on the kanban board the lifeworkflow or not. This is, clearly, a mental – and, probably, a physical – survival mechanism. That said, while my bedside manner well and truly sucks, I do get the job done, no matter what.

(A good friend once saw me shift into this mode and he thought I was having a stroke.)

Two, all decisions I make in the above lilfeworkflow are rooted in what I call "a bias towards certainty" in mind: full-tilt move to assisted living or continued transitional care or try going home? For at least another week, it's the middle one, a bit of status quo – with the bias towards certainty being to begin the process of the first one (and prep allergies for incoming resident cat). The last one seems increasingly less likely.

Three, I cannot and will not continue to sacrifice my own health to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I've done it for too long and I know that the main party for whom I'm most concerned knows that I've done everything in my power to the detriment of my health and my career. I can no longer - nor am I willing to - shoulder the burden, both physical and the ones I’ve concocted in my brain.

Four, my fucking back still hurts but at least I know it's not rheumatoid arthritis. That's one autoimmune disorder that I've yet to inherit. Waiting to hear back on x-rays, but it seems that I have at least one bulging and probably herniated disc that's been causing all of the pain for the last several months and making my ability to run up a hill at anything more than a limp a(nother) lost cause.

Five, THE BATMAN is really good. Might write something more about it or this might be it. Maybe a TSR episode with someone? (Speaking of, new TSR coming later today.)

Six, I am not going back to daily written pieces but posting here only when I have something to say. Tried it and the form / results just didn't interest me. I like the mystery of this whenever/whatever approach.

Seven, the switching of anti-depressants was to begin this week but I'm putting it off until more certainty and/or finality comes to items one through three. I'll deal with the continued weight gain. Anything that impedes my mental processing power right now is verboten.

I think that's it.