right (enough) brain

As I've indulged my newfound passion for metalwork and my reanimated one for cartooning and drawing, I've realized that a big part of my problem the last couple of years WRT the written word is that left brain seepage has overtaken the right brain requirements of creative work: it's the same thing that killed music for me, both when I left music school 20 years ago and the times I've tried to rekindle the flame since (and the reason I can't, no matter how great it looks, watch WHIPLASH: JK Simmons in the trailer IS my internal left brain voice, in words and in action).

Both welding and cartooning have become proving grounds not only for the import of Suzuki's "beginner's mind" but of the essential nature of letting go of all gaining ideas: the joy I've felt in practicing both these last several weeks (metalwork) and years (cartooning), in doing them for myself and myself alone and not for some nebulous accolade or token of communal belonging, has been beyond anything I've experienced.

And so I'm now trying to bring that Informalities creativity into this space, textually, much like when this site started and bore the original Informalities name: 15 minute text pieces at mid-day, after lunch, written, pubbed, posted, and forgotten, with no time for any of that left-brain fuckery to seep in. So far, so good, on that count.

internet dinosaur sitrep

Macro0124 is in subscribers’ inboxes and I'm still, two weeks in, sold on my current dinosaur approach to the internet and to my career: this retreat to writing words and spewing thoughts about books and films and whatever springs to mind. I'm just going to do my thing – whatever that thing may be – and if someone enjoys it (or finds it) fine; the hustle, the network, is over.

Fascinates / disturbs me how I only find this freedom in my own space when I'm not posting / syndicating it to social media. Maybe it's a byproduct of getting rid of that "something extra," as Suzuki would say.

While there are still more things I’d like to do here – both an increased sharing of others' blogs and newsletters, and the realization of seemingly-unshakable notion of a day-ending / curtain closing coda (though it's not in active processing, by any stretch) – I'm happy with the way things are and plan to continue it for the foreseeable future. Until I change my mind but that’s for a later iteration of myself to decide.

tracks

The sameness of my days keeps me sane until I think about it: the perpetual repetition, the same thing day in and out. Remembering something from ZEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND about not looking down at the track: summers tend to open up too much time to look down.

Maybe it's that I'm jamming everything that I consider to be forward motion (writing) into a single morning chunk – basically 0445 to 0745, which I do love: not only is it the closest I can get to working at night but the knowledge that this is all I get tends to cultivate deeper focus – and the surplus of time outside of that – shock of shocks, I do want to spend time with my wife for the three months she's a.) not drowning in the needs of seventy-five representatives of the future and b.) I don't have to worry about her being shot for doing so. But she's on her break, which is necessary for her – even if I don't do well with breaks.

Also: this could be a symptom of withdrawal from social media – as much as I love Mastodon and the Fediverse and what it means and what it stands for, it's still social media – and the perception that it, social media, was part of the forward motion, my only option for opportunity in this backwoods hell. It wasn't and isn't: the only thing that moves me forward is doing The Work and sharing it here or in the NL but I'll cut myself some slack (my therapist would be proud): when you've spent the last decade and a half hooked on an addictive substance like social media, coming off of it and finding clarity in the space the release allows will take some time. It took me eleven tries to quit smoking, after all.

Head up, walk the track. Don't look down.

clarity re: textual lackings

Remembering, on a deep, visceral level, what Suzuki meant in ZEN MIND, BEGINNER'S MIND when he said, in effect, that it becomes hard to talk about meditation when one has been meditating (I don't think I'm adding a meaning that isnt there in my paraphrasing but if I am, fuck it): the more I write, the further I get into the current thing, the harder it is for me to write about writing it – hence the dwindling of textual postings here (which probably means more will start to appear, maybe). Not recording / broadcasting this moment of clarity as an explanation to you (don't owe you one, sorry) but to myself. Carry(ing) on.